Ho! Ho! Ho! Let's Not Go
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And this is for sure,
Not a creature was stirring,
Two-footed or four.
Not with wings, or with shells,
Nor with reticulation,
Not a creature was stirring,
On White Oak Plantation.
But then all of a sudden,
Came such turbulence,
That it shook every window,
And rattled each fence.
Something landed outside,
And with such a great force,
That it woke up a tiger,
A rhino, a horse.
Also startled a cheetah,
And bothered a hen.
The scared little okapi
Quaked in its pen.
"Oh my word," worried Howard,
"Whatever has entered
The confines of our
Conservational Center?"
Up above, on the Old Lodge,
The sleigh of Kris Kringle
Had thudded, and landed,
and scraped off a shingle.
Roared Napoleon, "Welcome."
The quail, "Cheep, cheep, cheep."
The black rhino said, "Humbug."
And went back to sleep.
"Come inside," said Gene Rose,
"We'll repair that old roof,
I suppose it's not easy
To land on a hoof."
"Have some cookies," said Howard,
"And carrots home-grown.
Want a tour of the place?
Need to borrow a phone?"
"Ho, ho, ho," said St. Nick.
"Boy, oh, boy," said his deer.
"My, oh, my, what a swell place
To dwell in all year!"
"Every pen has a heater,
The staff is so nice.
Compare this to the North Pole,
The snow and the ice."
"Pretty please," pleaded Rudolph,
"Pretty please don't delay.
Just ask Howard's permission,
for reindeer to stay."
"Surely not," said St. Nick,
"We've got much work to do.
We must fly the world over,
'Fore our job is through."
"We've got gifts to distribute,
And joy to give out.
Making all children happy
is what we're about."
"And remember," said Howard,
"A fact that's quite clear,
Since you are not endangered,
You cannot live here."
"This is not a rejection,
And is not a bummer,
You are welcome to visit,
Anytime--like the summer."
"Hip, hooray," said the reindeer.
"At last," said St. Nick.
They prepared for departure
And got out real quick.
And at lift-off
And as they climbed up in the sky,
"Ho, ho, ho," you could hear,
"we'll be back in July."
Top
Dieting Forevermore
Staying thin is so much work,
Holding back from gluttony,
While my husband snacks away,
I count every calorie.
You should only know the struggle,
Daily waged with my fat genes,
Which propel me to the cookies,
Candies, cake and such cuisines.
Beauty trends of yore were never
Passed down for posterity.
Then a chubby lad or maiden
Symbolized prosperity.
So I shall continue watching,
Vigilant for evermore,
Lest a pound creep up behind me
As I leave the ice cream store.
Top
sung to You're the Top by Cole Porter
At words poetic, we're apologetic,
At songwriting we don't excel,
But there is something that we must tell,
Someone who's swell, where we dwell.
For inspiration,
In this creation,
We borrowed a famous song.
So if this sort'a,
Sounds like Cole Porter,
Then you can join in and sing along.
You're the top!
You're reticulation.
You're the top!
You're a constellation.
You're a daguerreotype of a zebra's stripes supreme.
You're the lion's roar,
You're the penthouse floor,
You're The Waking Dream.
You're the star,
Of a grand collection,
A jaguar,
With no imperfection.
We're pedestrian,
As equestrians,
We flop.
But if Howard we're the bottom, you're the top!
You're the top!
You're the ABT.
You're the top!
You're a manatee.
You're a turtle shell with a nonpareil design,
You're the rhino's horn,
You're a powder horn,
You're leonine.
You're a bee,
On a flower's anther.
A trustee,
Of the Florida panther,
Lucky we became, members of the same, co-op.
But if Howard we're the bottom, you're the top!
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